HOW TO BUILD THE LIFE YOU WANT
Courtesy Peyton Dix
As told to Grace Cook
6 Minute Read
Writer and podcaster Peyton Dix shares her philosophy on friendship, ambition, boundaries and why connection is a muscle worth training.
Peyton Dix an intellectual, chronically online millennial with a penchant for pop culture—and that duality is exactly what makes Dix so compelling. As a writer, podcaster, social media strategist and sports fan, the 32-year-old Los Angeles born, New York-based creative has built a multi-hyphenate career based on being herself. She belongs to a cohort of women in the media who are rewriting the rules around womanhood, authority, and identity.
Dix spent her early career at PAPER magazine and InStyle, and has become known for her niche way of covering everything from politics to sport and dating. Example: When Michelle Obama wanted to dish on her favorite housewives, she went onto Peyton’s podcast, Lemme Say This. It’s no surprise to us that the Obamas’ media company just acquired Lemme.
Dix speaks with clarity, humour, and relatability; she says the things that everyone is thinking but which many are afraid to say. Among her blockbuster stories was a piece she penned for Vogue, titled: “My Most Valuable Inheritance? My Granny’s Gay Gene.”
In it, she writes: “To me, queerness didn’t look like a rainbow flag pin, but rather a woman in her late 60s whipping around the parking lot of my private school in a car that resembled Bumblebee from Transformers… There were no pointed questions or formal sit-downs around her sexual identity; she just was. She just is.”
Here, she shares her hot list for living well, embracing yourself fully, and never being afraid to fail.
On knowing your worth
"As a Black woman specifically, I have only ever been conditioned to push through an experience, or think that I am not doing enough especially to be seen at the same level as my peers. In reality, I was overextending myself. I think as a woman, it’s really easy in general to move to a scarcity mindset to think that there just won’t be enough, and if you work hard now, you can play hard later. But why not do both at the same time?”
Tip: Get curious about how certain work, rooms and people make you feel—ask yourself why. Importantly, recognize your contributions by checking in with yourself.
On connection: building it is a muscle we have to train
“Small talk can be a really helpful tool and an entry point into a larger and more thoughtful conversation. I famously got put next to the quietest girl in school who never spoke, and I got her to start talking. Being a conversationalist is a muscle that you constantly have to exercise, and it only becomes easier the more you microdose.”
Tip: Ask someone questions or talk to people about things that could feel innocuous or missable to other people. “I love talking about the weather; I love hearing about someone’s job.”
On dating yourself
“Having a crush can be debilitating and dating can be all-consuming, especially if you are a lesbian or have big feelings like me. So I’ve been dating myself and my friends in a totally new way. I never really cook for myself because I live alone; there’s something a little sorry and sad about it. I had forgotten how much joy it brings me to cook for a group of people, and how fun it is to nourish and feed the people I love.”
Tip: Singledom can be lonely, but inviting friends for dinner and sharing a meal is a way of fostering deeper connection and creating the feeling of intimacy in your home that isn’t reliant on romance.
On boundary setting
“Boundaries are sexy because they create space for you to welcome more of the things you actually want to make the time for. Don’t burn yourself out. I am constantly practicing the art of saying no—I’m not always winning, obviously. I’m probably mostly failing at it, but I’m trying. I’m trying to be more of a loyalist to the things that are good to me, like doing yoga or working on my pelvic floor…”
Tip: Go out of your way to do the things that are good for you, and prioritize around that.
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On networking
“Every job I’ve ever had was low-key from the club. I recently tracked my career—what I’ve been doing and why. And I realized: ‘Oh, I met this homie at dinner, or we were parting till 4am together.’ It’s not gross to network, especially in a city like New York, where the people who you meet are always your peers. It’s so much more valuable to work alongside people that I know have a shared value system, or to have a shared interest, even if we’re not besties.”
Tip: Being outside in the world can sometimes lead you to a thought or a conversation or a job that you wouldn’t have had otherwise.
On dealing with depression
“When I struggled a lot with big bouts of depression, I’d record myself talking—when I was too tired to journal, or when I wasn’t ready to share with someone else, or maybe I was still coming into a feeling. I have voice memos of me just talking to myself. When I listen back in a clearer headspace, I realize that I am just going to keep growing, and getting better, and surviving. I myself become the living proof that I can do those things.”
Tip: Distil your thoughts or anxieties out loud. It can help clarify the thought, or get rid of it.
On community building
“Community building is one of the sexiest things that people can do. Sports is a really good medium for that, whether it’s the New York Liberty, or more people rallying around the Knicks, especially in a Mamdani New York—even the World Cup. You can find community by being a bandwagon fan; it allows big sports fans to educate you on the lore and the gossip and the drama that goes alongside being a sports fan.”
Tip: Go to sports bars when the games are on, and then go up to anyone [in the bar] and ask them a question. “I promise you, they’ll answer it,” says Peyton. Start listening to the podcast, The Sports Gossip Show.
On working with friends
“Hunter and I went to school together. In between our contract for Lemme Say This ending with Wordery and signing with Higher Ground, we had a few months where we got to just be friends again—everything we had been doing together was an event for work.”
Tip: Spend real quality time together to decenter work from your friendship dynamic and nurture casual time. Friendships, like relationships, need nurturing to thrive.
On gossip: it’s good for you
“Gossip can be catharsis. Often when we’re talking through a feeling or a problem, a release comes from it, and sometimes a solution. We’re not therapists, but I think to feel close and connected and heard and understood by someone can come just from gossiping.”
Tip: Don’t be afraid to speak your truth in the spirit of gossip. “It’s always fun to have a common enemy,” says Peyton.
On finding balance: bailing can be an act of self care
“I live my life on Do Not Disturb. My phone buzzing gives me too much anxiety. I also tell my friends: know that this is hard for me, and if I’m bailing, don’t push back. Ethical bailing is a love language. There are rules. You can’t bail right before; if there’s a restaurant reservation and someone’s bank card gets charged, for example.
I try to block my calendar: I fill my Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, so that Tuesdays and Fridays are days I can have my head down a little bit, and know that there’s less expectation on me.”
Tip: Design your calendar based on your energy levels. Also, be open about who is in your social rotation, and try to reframe it when a friend bails on you. “We could see bailing as an opportunity to be alone and see how it feels out in the world, or to make a new connection by inviting someone we’ve wanted to spend time with.”
On pulling yourself out of a funk
“I hope this doesn’t sound like the one time my father told my depressed brother to go for a walk, but… Just go for a walk. So much has been brought to my frontal lobe on a walk. I’ve lived many different lives, and my mental health has looked many different ways. I Brick my phone, take a walk, and go and be in the world.”
Tip: Plug your wired headphones in to disconnect; Bluetooth is out.
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On being comfortable being alone
“In public, I wonder, ‘do I look lonely or do I look lame?’ And then I remember I'm thinking about myself too much. No one else is thinking about me that hard. We're all moving through the world so fast. We need to put our egos down. It becomes so much easier to be in your body without thinking that someone is witnessing you. The coolest and most aspirational thing to me is to watch people be comfortable alone without letting themselves become reclusive.”
Tip: The best solo date is to see a play. “I’ve made friends sitting next to other women at plays before.”
On failing
“I call my mom a lot. She is a type A person and she gave me a lot of confidence when I was a young person. I thought I was a bad bitch even when I was ugly. It came from the fact that my mom always let me try, and she always let me fail, too. I’ve learned to get really comfortable failing because at least I tried. My mom is a super resilient woman who has lived a very difficult life and so I’ve never been afraid to try again, or start all over.”
Tip: Never be afraid to start.
Lessons to live by
“Hot girls listen to their gut. If you're not listening to your gut, take your pre and probiotics. Your body keeps score. You always know if you should be doing something that is for you or not, or doing someone that is for you, or not.”
“Telling your friends the truth is like the most important thing you can do. When they need to hear it, even if it's hard—it’s a disservice to your friend if you don’t, especially when they ask you for your opinion. If you withhold it from them, you're not showing up for your friendship, and you're not building more trust."
If I could, I’d ban… “diet culture. Everywhere I look, someone is trying to sell me something or convince me to change. This is especially true for young women or aging women. Diet culture is toxic and harmful. Our bodies are all different, and I worry about how that harms young people's perceptions of self-worth. I worry how it harms my own self-worth! I did not survive [the size zero-obsessed 2000s] to be sold the same lies 15-20 years later.”
